Sunshine and Rainbows out my ass

OK, let’s get this straight. Even though I have been chirping a lot here on my blog and on my facebook page, my life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. Not even close. I have a lot of things that I can’t do, and the desire to do these things, and the inability to do them sometimes causes massive frustration in my life.

But here’s the thing. I can sit here and pitch a bitch about everything I can’t do, or I can be happy about what I can do. This does NOT mean that I am just sitting on my ass waiting for happy things to happen, and sometimes it means that I have to push my limits so I can make things happen.

Like driving. Now, I always took it for granted that I could drive. I was an awesome driver, and doing 600 miles at a whack was no biggie. Then all of a sudden, I couldn’t drive at all. I saw 1 and 1/2 things whenever I looked at stuff when this first happened, then after a bit I saw 1 and 1/4 things. This was not a good thing, trust me. Then, miraculously one weekend, I saw only what was intended for me to see, and I knew I was getting better. On one aside, I do wonder what other people see now…it make you wonder!

First, was the miracle of just getting behind the wheel. Then came driving the three blocks to the store during the day. Then crossing Fremont Street. Then driving the 3 miles to get to where I could refill my propane tank. Stuff that I never even considered as being difficult became my whole world. I would get myself stoked up for each new attempt, sometimes a couple of days in advance, and then after I was safely home I would congratulate myself for the new milestone I had achieved…and then I would sleep for a while.

These days, now that my sweet daughter has made my car legal, I can actually go and get groceries 17 miles away! The return trip after I have been shopping can get a bit dicey, but I always make sure I have eaten and that I am ready for anything. In all actuality, I am a safer driver these days, because I am more mindful of everything than I used to be.

And every Saturday that the weather is good, I try to get down to the swap meet to sell some of my things. I realized that trying to do things online just wouldn’t work, so now I am trying to make a little money every weekend. I could sit on my ass, and let other people fret about stuff, but since I CAN do a few things, I AM doing whatever I can. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but it is my whole world.

I am doing Sudokus, which are wonderful, because they exercise my brain, and whenever I get out to the karaoke bar, I try to sing new songs whenever I can. I have learned that if I can lose myself in a song, then I won’t mess up, but if I try to read the words, I get lost easily. Strange, isn’t it?

I have some thoughts and plans for the New Year, but right now, I can just barely sorta kinda take care of myself and my life, so I am just going to let myself get better at my own pace. It seems that I have these Hallelujah days about every 2 weeks, when I realize that I have gotten slightly better, so I am just going to improve as my body lets me.

One funny thing…back in November I asked my Doctor for a temporary handicapped placard. He actually made me go back into the backroom from the lobby, and then he lectured me about how I should be walking more, even if it meant that I had to wait for my daughter to park. So even though I have my car, I still walk uptown, because my Doctor said so. Oh, did I mention that he is rather cute? Yes, I am still a sucker for a cute face!